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| a picture of me, because, well, this post is the blog equivalent of a selfie. |
To put it mildly, the past ten days have not been my jam. I had some weird job-related decisions to make because of the government shutdown this month, and so, once the shutdown ended, I ended up with a few more. I made what felt like a logical decision at the time - though, not an emotionally great decision, which is so crucial, as we'll see - and not forty eight hours later I was kicking myself. Do we call it hubris? Over confidence? Insanity to think that three very amazing opportunities could ever boil down into 'thanks, but we've gone with candidates who we believe are better'? But they did, and so, since then, I have been overanalyzing every.single.detail of those interviews. And in that thinking, I've come to conclusions that I answered a few questions in particular in one interview completely terribly, and I probably embarrassed myself with another email, and I've come to conclusions that I am probably over concluding.
If you ask Chris, that is. His rational thinking? Things didn't pan out, other things will come, I must not have been the best fit in the end. It's not something to have emotions about - it's something with which to think through the logical next steps.
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| a picture of boomer and her own ear that doesn't ever lay flat. because she has been the best little lovah as i over feel. |
And yet. A recent solidification of a thought is that I am constantly at battle. My natural, overriding tendency? To have several distinct emotions, particularly at something like 'failing.' Disappointment (most especially, in myself), anger (again, mostly at myself), frustration (at the world), sadness (at it all.) But there exists still a knowledge that I am being completely illogical and irrational. It is pretty unreasonable to have such strong melancholy over a few 'rejections' and I know that any organization, company, agency would be incredibly impressed if they could see me work. Sometimes that doesn't get translated as clearly as I'd like, because of me, because of the person on the other end of the interaction, because of other factors that I'll never know.
But that doesn't prevent me from wearing my heart on my sleeve. From suffering a resounding 'ding' to my confidence and self esteem. From questioning all the decisions I've made and feeling horrible about the opportunities I gave up. From re-running every interaction that led to 'thanks, but no thanks' in my head as I can't fall asleep at night.
So, last night, over seafood and birthday key lime pie, as we discussed the range of emotion I've been feeling this past week or so, Chris came to the realization that we are so innately different in how we handle feelings. He is and will always be the internalizer- that elusive (to me) person who can experience an emotion, categorize it, put it in a box in his head and move on. I am and always will be someone who shows it, physically, tremors of emotions across my face whenever they hit me. I over externalize, and then even more so over internalize and question and ponder and ask myself "How do I feel? Why do I feel that way? Do I want to feel this way? What I can do to change how I feel?" I action plan my own feelings. And those close to me are lucky enough to hear me verbalize these steps, frequently.
I don't think I'll ever change the fact that I'm someone whose passion and emotion exist for the world to see and experience and share and judge. That's essentially what this blog is, no?
As I reach another birthday and have the inevitable 'who am I now?' conversation, I realize that as much as I love my husband and value and, at times, envy his ability to internalize and use rational thinking to move forward, I could and would never change the reality that emotions, feelings, beliefs drive me. Motivate me. Push me. Cause me to be overly critical of myself, for sure (that's a whole 'nother post). But are also the reason why I do the work that I do, professionally, and the reason that, I think, those who love me, also value me and know they are seeing the real me, all the time.
What a self-serving post, for sure. But also where I am and where I want to pull myself out of soon. Come on, logic, win out! WIN OUT!
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| a caramel apple for my birthday! because i can. admiring it in its glory before i devour it. probably later tonight. |
*in my family, we always got a birthday dinner at our restaurant of choice and then a dinner of our choice at home. i kind of love birthdays. ergo, chris is forced to love birthdays.*
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